On Tides of Sand – Land Shark (2017)

There have been sharks in tornadoes, sharks in the snow, in swamps, crossbred, gene-spliced and sharks that have fought all manner of creatures, so it was only a matter of time before they took to land. While it sounds like a terrifying prospect, the material would prove to be anything but as it was written and directed by schlockmeister Mark Polonia, creator of such favourites like Bigfoot vs. Zombies and Jurassic Prey among others. His pictures make those by The Asylum look like blockbusters and are usually so awful as to be unwatchable.

Surprisingly, Land Shark has but one thing that makes it a cut above the rest and that is lead actress Sarah French who is like a sliver of sanity amongst mountains of madness. While scream queen French may never garner an academy award starring in a film like this, she at least shows talent despite the awful material she is given to work with. As for the rest of the cast, they are achingly bad, so awful that they actually hurt the ears at times. Sure, the movie might not be A+ material nor will it probably ever be watched except those die-hards who love films like this, but if given a chance to star in a movie, one would think that they would at least pretend to be the actors and actresses they were hired as.

The story itself is not a complete fail as it is easy enough to see the Armed Forces attempting to weaponize anything they can get their hands on, but aside from that one plot point, it just becomes silly. If one thing could have saved it, it would have been some decent special effects, but those were not to be found given the shark looked to be made from two parts rubber and one part silly putty, possibly even a little felt here and there. The lasers were ridiculous, the constant use of CGI flames laughable and when coupled with everything else, the picture did not even try to be believable.

What might shock some is that as bad as it is, Land Shark is still one of Polonia’s better films and despite all the negatives, is a movie that is somewhat palatable.

1 out of 5

1 reply »

  1. Oh good God…..Polonia should be banned from ever touching a film set!! Other then Brett Kelly,is there a WORSE director in movie history? I actually bought Bigfoot vs. Zombies because let’s face,that cover was and is awesome. But what was inside?
    I only made it through 15 minutes of “Bigfoot” before I re-gifted to another poor sucke,err,”friend”… hats off to you for reviewing this one!

    Liked by 1 person

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