All That Glitters… – Enemy Gold (1993)

What makes a film great?  Directing?  Writing?  A good crew and a good cast?  Arguably all of these things do.  Is that what you will find in Enemy Gold?  Not by a long shot.  But what do you get, you question, if you should view this motion picture extravaganza?  Why only the best sub-par acting a filmgoer could ask for of course.  That is not all either!  You also get a terrible soundtrack, poor direction, and costume design from the 1980s that somehow made it into the 1990s and of course, nudity.  Lots and lots of nudity.


Camping’s easy!

The film does have some elements such as plot that help lead it from pure trash to at least B level status.  Said plot finds our heroes, Chris Cannon, Mark Austin and Becky Midnite on a quest to recover Quantrill’s gold that was buried during the Civil War.  It ends up being sort of like National Treasure meets Miami Vice meets Skinemax.  A winning formula if ever there was one.  The film also features copious amounts of the unclothed female form, perhaps a saving grace for the filmmakers who knew that without it, no one was likely to watch this movie.

After every scene that advances the film, Suzi Simpson, Tai Collins or Julie Strain feel the need to remove their clothes.  Becky meets Chris and Mark and they have to go on a mission so she needs to change – queue nude scene.  They decide to go to the bar – queue nude scene.  Suspended?  Well, why not go camping – queue nude scene.  The bad guys need a boat and need to stop for the night – queue nude scene.  Time to get up – queue nude scene.  The heroes win – queue nude scene.  Nothing against nudity, but using it to hold your film together is weak filmmaking.


We literally just got here and I found a map to the hidden treasure!

While the movie was all fairly predictable and terrible, it was made a little bit better only because of the fact that it was so campy.  Suzi Simpson, the lead actress and Playboy model had a lot to do with that.  Her acting was incredibly bad, but mesmerizing and not only because of her obvious assets.  The phrase ‘so bad, it’s good,’ comes into play for this film.  Mark Barriere and Bruce Penhall who star as Mark and Chris respectively are simply awful and as wooden as can be.  It is almost as if they were like walking Ken dolls.


It’s hard to tell, but I’m wearing boots up to my knees.

Julie Strain who is arguably the biggest name of the film is as beautiful as always but there are some moments when she is quite scary and you would not want to cross her path.  It is kind of like the Hulk and not wanting to make him mad.  The funniest moment of the film is when she is practicing her swordplay by the fire in her weird bondage gear, almost completely naked of course and it is the not only funny, but one of the strangest things in the whole movie.

So why watch this?  If you like bad films, that could be a reason, but for all of its failings, this film is somewhat enjoyable because of it.  If only real life worked the way this film did, with the guy always getting the beautiful girl at the drop of a hat or finding a map to a hidden treasure the first time you head out into the words to go camping.  There are literally no redeeming qualities about this film, but it is addictive and it keeps you hooked no matter how much you want to turn away.    This film is part of the Andy Sidaris collection and was directed by his son Christian Drew Sidaris.  And being a collection, there are more.  Watch it and decide for yourself how bad or how good it might be.

2 out of 5

1 reply »

  1. This sounds delightfully awful! The ladies sure do look beautiful though. That blond…oh my! Not sure if I could last viewing this but I am glad that you managed to still enjoy this haha!


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