There are awful movies and there are awful movies and Teen Vamp is by far one of the worst to ever be committed to celluloid or videotape or whatever it was filmed on.

The story finds young nerd Murphy looking to be cool and trying his best to impress the ladies but getting nowhere fast. The guy is kryptonite and there is nothing that will ever change that. As fate would have it, there might be one thing and that comes in the form of a prostitute he picks up at a bar who also happens to be a vampire. Murphy is underage but the vampire cares not for he has virgin blood and what is sweeter than that? So it is that Murphy undergoes a life-altering change and becomes one of the undead himself and while he thinks this is going to make things better, it hardly makes a difference though he does get the girl and she is something else as well.

Aside from the few minutes where Murphy as portrayed by Beau Bishop gets bitten by the vampiress in the hotel room, there is not a lot to enjoy about this plodding affair. The pace is glacial at times and it does not help that it is poorly acted with a bad script that tries to make this fit into the horror-comedy genre and fails at being scary and is bereft of anything that one might call a laugh or even a smirk. Bishop is awful on all fronts and looks too old to play a seventeen-year-old kid. Those around him were not any better and aside from a few practical effects that were actually decent, if one were looking for horror, they would be waiting all day or at least until this film was over which feels like an all-day affair.  There is a bit of action toward the end which was unintentionally funny so counting it against that which the makers of this film did think was humourous is a little unfair.

Like other terrible films, Teen Vamp had the necessary ingredients to be a good movie, it was simply missing anything that other films like it might have had like blood or dead bodies or violence or what have one. There was a spark present, it merely needed to be fanned into a flame and sadly, it would never materialize.

1 out of 5